If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
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