Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
