I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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