I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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