Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
