Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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