You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
