I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
