..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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