My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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