Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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