it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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