how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
