At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
