My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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