I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
