my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
