I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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