During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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