i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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