Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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