youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
