if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I currently don't understand fingers.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
