I feel great
I just peed on a car
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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