if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
