I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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