3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
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