so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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