my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
