Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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