i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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