He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
