i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
