remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
