I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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