I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
