its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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