She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
