I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
