I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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