How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
