At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
