the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
