Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
