i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
