I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
