Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
