So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
