everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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