4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
