Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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