I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
