why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
